Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…). Continue reading

Kink, Pizza and Jazz

OK, so I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean, I’ll talk about no longer going to sex parties and then I’ll go to sex parties. I’ll talk about not really being interested in kink, and then I get involved in BDSM entanglements. I’ll say one thing and do another. I’ll do one thing and then say something completely different. But, who hasn’t contradicted themselves at some point in their lives? The only thing I can say is that I won’t deny being a hypocrite and I’ll at least be honest (here and with people in person) about who I am and what I want at each point in life. Continue reading

The Doctor Will See You Now

nurses, sexy doctors, role play

A couple of naughty nurses (photo by the talented Ms. Creamy Coconut).

When I interviewed my friends Trevor and Vanessa* about their open relationship, I also talked to Vanessa a bit about her funny experiences of running into her patients at sex parties (and vice versa) since she works as a physician at a local family practice in Brooklyn. I decided to do a whole separate post on those stories, as they’re quite amusing.

The first time she remembers running into a patient was at one of the Chemistry parties. She says she was mingling and meeting people and thought she recognized one woman from somewhere but couldn’t place where. “She said we probably had sex somewhere,” Vanessa recalls, “and I just laughed, but then Trevor came up and for some reason it occurred to him. He said, ‘are you her patient?’ and her eyes went bulging out of her head, like ‘Oh my fucking God!’” Continue reading

The EX Factor

So we don’t often talk about this because we take these (very strange) truths to be self evident, but running into your ex at a sex party is a common thing on the scenes I roll in. Which also means that you might see your ex having sex (or doing other sexual things) at a party, or they might see you. Which is, or could be, admittedly awkward. Or, depending on the people or situation in question, painful, even. As poly, schmoly, open or whatever you might be, it’s probably still strange to watch someone you were once deeply involved with have sex with someone else, especially if there are any latent feelings of hurt, anger or resentment lingering. Continue reading

Funnies at Orgies

cartoon bdsmIf you’ve never been to a sex party before, you are probably imagining it to be either something decadent and well-staged like Eyes Wide Shut, or something lame and disgusting, full of old, aggressive, unattractive people and the guys wanking off in the corner by themselves.

The truth is that orgies are either somewhere in between or nothing like either of those. They are full of real people, which includes the young and the old, the hot and the not-so-hot and everyone in between (unless it’s a young-and-hot-people-only party, which do exist). And the other thing is: a lot of funny shit happens at orgies. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, or laugh at all the intricate kinky play we try to engage in (and sometimes/often fail at), then you probably don’t have a good sense of humor and don’t belong at an orgy anyway.

Here are some of my favorite funny moments from orgies: Continue reading

Orgy School

Side view of the Bushwick Mansion

Side view of the Bushwick Mansion

I walked by the house once, realized I had missed it. Walked back a second time. Confirmed that the number was right and then saw a couple of black guys sitting on the stoop and smoking cigarettes. I’m sure they saw me walk by twice as well, but I didn’t dare approach. What would I say? “I’m here about those orgies?” They would eat me alive, with their eyes at least. No, I didn’t really have the balls, so I decided to walk around the corner and wait for Jefferson to get there.

I was meeting him in the summer to get his edits to his profile and he decided to meet at this place where he was scoping out a house for throwing an orgy. A guy named “DopeRapper” had posted something on FetLife (for, you know, all of FetLife to see) saying: “BUSHWICK – MANSION – ORGIES” (caps, his), saying he was house sitting at this place for the summer and wanted to host sex parties there. I forwarded the link along to Jefferson, sort of as a “funny haha, isn’t this tacky?” kind of comment, but he decided to actually get in touch with the guy to a) see if our crew could host a party there and b) school the guy on proper orgy hosting, since he obviously had no idea what he was doing. (Lesson #1: don’t post this kind of stuff on a public forum). Continue reading

Thick Pickens

orgyLast weekend, particularly last Saturday night, there were as many as five to seven play parties (what the cool kids are calling orgies these days) to choose from. Talk about a smorgasbord of menu options. We certainly don’t have a boring life here in New York. I, myself, was invited to maybe three, but in talking with a few friends, I gathered that there were many more and some people had as many as five to select from. Yep, it’s a hard knock life!

Before writing this post, I decided to do some research (as a good journalist would) on what else is out there in sex party coverage in New York. So I found this L Magazine piece, some TimeOut coverage and this more recent piece, mostly on survival skills at a sex party. It seems to me that the writers out there covering sex parties are barely scratching the surface, or maybe they’re scratching a completely different surface, since they seem to be talking about parties that are in Manhattan, are very fancy and expensive, are probably tiered by gender/relationship status (i.e. If you are a single male, you have to pay a shit ton of money or you can’t even get in. If you’re a couple, you have to probably still pay a good ton of money. But if you’re a single woman, you can get in very cheap or scot-free). Most of which barely applies to the parties I’ve gone to, except for some. Continue reading

Sex Party Dropout

Sex parties, orgies, naked bodies

Photo by Archbishop Tutu

A couple of gals’ journey into, and out of, the sex party scene in New York.

(First of all, I want to write a song with this title to the tune of Beauty School Dropout from Grease. Although I haven’t written songs since high school and am a bit rusty. All I’ve got so far is “Sex party dropout/go back to dancing” for the refrain, instead of “Beauty school dropout/go back to high school.” Anyone want to help with the rest of it? H? C? In the meantime, I’ll write the post and maybe it’ll help inspire the song).

My friend Jen and I caught up over brunch recently, as we do on summer Sundays, and talked about how we’ve largely dropped off the sex-party circuit in New York. I’m not sure about her, but I haven’t been to a proper sex party (I will discuss later what this means) since October. We both found that the parties no longer have a place in our lives or are giving us what we need. Continue reading

Interview with the (original) Vampire

jefferson currentWhen a caravan of us sex-party-going types were en route to a day at the beach last summer, my friend Ken started talking about who brought whom into the scene and how we all got to our first party. He referred to it as “who sired whom” (I love me a good vampire reference!) When we all told our individual stories, we saw that all roads led back to Jefferson—a friend of ours in the New York kink community who had started this particular string of parties some 10 years ago, before they moved to another friend’s lavish house in Bushwick.

He was the original vampire, who (figuratively or literally) bit the necks of other curious kinksters, exhibitionists and experience junkies that were interested in exploring their sexualities. Those newly anointed kindred of kink went on to beckon others into the scene, like my friend Andrew did when he invited me to one of his parties three years ago, after I had met him at Burning Man. The parties had moved to Andrew’s house from Jefferson’s at that point.

Jefferson, 49, often describes himself as having grown up a bisexual kid, suspicious of monogamy, who later gave up his sexual proclivities for the woman he loved. After 15 years of marriage and three children, his wife filed for divorce over a spat, at which point Jefferson returned to kink and began writing about it on One Life, Take Two, a sex blog, penned under the Jefferson pseudonym, that details his experience as a parent and pervert.

Between the blog, his bisexual tendencies, orgies, sex education classes, sexy story telling nights and various other BDSM-related endeavors, he might appear quite eclectic to the average person, but if you had met him some 10-15 years ago, you would’ve encountered a regular guy with a wife and three kids, who lived and worked in the suburbs, drove a Buick and led a fairly normal life. And unlike many other people on the BDSM scene, who are often proud to say that they threw their traditional lives away to pursue kink and sex exploration, Jefferson always admits that he didn’t want to get divorced and speaks of his marriage with a certain fondness… and… sadness, even. He was glad to have had the experience of a faithful husband and doting father, and is now on to the next act of his life.

His ex-wife later discovered his blog (it became popular quickly and was reviewed in a few mainstream publications at the time) and tried to sue him for sole custody of their children. But she lost the custody battle and, in frustration, outed Jefferson to his family (traditional folk from Birmingham, Alabama) They didn’t bat an eye. Jefferson once told this tale at one of his storytelling nights and said that when his parents found out, his father just said, “Well, I’m glad he’s having fun,” and his mother added, “I always knew Jefferson was a good writer.”

Although he has completely cut ties with his ex-wife, he still sees his kids often and is very involved in their lives. They are now 13, 16 and 19, and he has another 25-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

After getting divorced at the age of 39, he was intent on avoiding committed relationships, though he has spent the last five years seriously dating his girlfriend, Kay, who is 21 years his junior. They still see other people and the relationship occasionally gets strained by their attachments to other partners, but they’ve managed to pull through so far. Jefferson says that even though he didn’t plan on a committed relationship, this one just happened to work well day in and day out.

In the ten years after his divorce, Jefferson has become something of a vamp of all trades. In addition to his professional experience in curating museums (including the opening of the Museum of Sex in New York) and writing art criticism, he hosts story telling shows (à la NPR’s The Moth, but based on topics of sex, desire and romance), teaches sex classes and participates in a variety of kink/BDSM events around the country. He recently began taking his Bare and Spill shows on the road to other cities (Boston, D.C., etc.) and I now often jokingly call him “kinkster on wheels.” Not too shabby, following a particularly gruesome divorce and a drawn-out public custody battle.

One of his mottos is: “If the scene you want doesn’t exist, it’s incumbent upon you to create it.” And so he keeps creating and re-creating his world as he sees fit at any given time. He often talks about hosting orgies the way he talks about curating an art show: you can’t overcrowd the space, like you can’t overcrowd a museum wall; all the right elements have to be in place, and they have to jibe with one another – they have to somehow connect. I recently picked his brain about his various ventures over oysters in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Here are some tidbits from that conversation.

Continue reading