Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…). Continue reading

Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…). Continue reading

Kink, Pizza and Jazz

OK, so I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean, I’ll talk about no longer going to sex parties and then I’ll go to sex parties. I’ll talk about not really being interested in kink, and then I get involved in BDSM entanglements. I’ll say one thing and do another. I’ll do one thing and then say something completely different. But, who hasn’t contradicted themselves at some point in their lives? The only thing I can say is that I won’t deny being a hypocrite and I’ll at least be honest (here and with people in person) about who I am and what I want at each point in life. Continue reading

Funnies at Orgies

cartoon bdsmIf you’ve never been to a sex party before, you are probably imagining it to be either something decadent and well-staged like Eyes Wide Shut, or something lame and disgusting, full of old, aggressive, unattractive people and the guys wanking off in the corner by themselves.

The truth is that orgies are either somewhere in between or nothing like either of those. They are full of real people, which includes the young and the old, the hot and the not-so-hot and everyone in between (unless it’s a young-and-hot-people-only party, which do exist). And the other thing is: a lot of funny shit happens at orgies. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, or laugh at all the intricate kinky play we try to engage in (and sometimes/often fail at), then you probably don’t have a good sense of humor and don’t belong at an orgy anyway.

Here are some of my favorite funny moments from orgies: Continue reading

Coffin Therapy

coffinI’d come over his place for coffin sessions once a month or so. We always planned it ahead of time. He knew what I was there for. As soon as I’d walk in the door, he’d pick me up, carry me to the basement and place me in the coffin, which was already open for me to lie down in. We didn’t speak. For all intents and purposes, I was already a corpse. He’d then close the lid and leave me there for a while. I never really knew how long “a while” was until I got out and asked him. Sometimes it’d be just half an hour. Other times it’d be two hours or more. All sense of time tends to lose meaning once you’re in that black hole.

When I’d make plans with him, it’d also be quick and easy. I’d e-mail or text him asking if I can come over on a specific day or time and he’d say yes or suggest another time and we’d both know it was for this. If I wanted to see him for anything else, I’d usually ask him out or to come over. Otherwise, he knew what was up. Continue reading

My (own) guide to BDSM

byte_MG_8246I’ve had a few (old and new) friends ask me for advice recently about getting into (or more into) the BDSM world, so I thought I’d post some suggestions here for their benefit. And for anyone else that might have similar questions.

I did write a mini review of Bo Blaze’s book, 50 Shades of Curious, a few months ago and that’s already a good place to start. Bo is also an alternative life coach and teaches classes at The Eulenspiegel Society, which is the biggest BDSM support and education group that you can tap for classes, event listings and all kinds of resources. (Disclaimer: I’m not involved with TES and don’t claim to be an educator on the subject, but since I’ve been writing about kink and have been involved in the scene in NYC for some time, I thought I’d offer some guidance).

Personally, I’d encourage people to figure out what they want when it comes to kink. Sure, few of us know what (specific) activities we might like before trying them, but I’m sure most people already have some idea of whether they’re dominant, submissive or a switch and what their general proclivities might be when it comes to kink. But what I mean is: what are you trying to accomplish? Do you know? Are you doing it with/for someone else that’s interested in it? That’s totally fine. It’s how a lot of people wind up getting into BDSM. But if so, make sure you’re enjoying whatever it is the two (or however many) of you are doing together, not just trying to please someone else.  Continue reading

When He Comes Through Town

storm, wind gusts, dark cloudsWhen he comes through town, a storm passes through my body. All the windows and doors swing open. If they don’t open on their own, he pries and prods them until they do. A gust of wind rushes in. And for as long as he deems necessary, I breathe and choke on sweat and skin and nails and hair and saliva and the intermingling of his cum with mine. Continue reading

A Sexual Bucket List (à mon avis).

sex, fetish, fetish play

One of Archbishop Tutu’s intimate snapshots from a Fetish Tribe Suspension party in New York.

I stumbled upon someone else’s write-up of a sexual bucket list (50 things to do before you die) the other day, found that I’ve already experienced most of the things on it, shared it on Facebook and had a bunch of my friends laugh at it for it being “too tame.” So, in light of that (and in light of the “omg, eww, that’s gross!” hilarious comments on that original article), I decided to compile my own list. It’s a mixture of things I’ve done, things I still want to try, things my friends have done, scenes I’ve seen others partake in, experiences I’ve imagined or fantasized about, etc. The original list was mostly skewed towards sexual experiences that women might want to have, but I tried to keep mine mostly balanced between the genders, hence item #1, which was alluded to in the original list (“kiss a girl”), but is extrapolated upon here…

(Sidenote #1: There are, of course, other lists of this sort out there already, Namely, the 1000 item-long Purity Test, which a friend of mine put me on to. You’re certainly welcome to peruse it, but I still wanted to writer a shorter, more manageable personal list, if only for shits and giggles.

Sidenote #2: To the prudes reading this, if you think this stuff is disgusting, vile or weird, I’ll happily direct you to a plethora of French literature and to FetLife, where you can find even more sexual experiments that will fit those adjectives better. I did actually try to keep this list to “things within reason,” so no donkey fucking, golden or brown showers or anything like that. You’re welcome.)

Friends and readers: I encourage you to add items that I may have missed in the comments section. I’d love to hear your ideas. Let’s inspire one another!

Without further ado… Continue reading

My Relationship with Kink (nowadays)

“So I don’t even know what you’re into,” he said, as he stroked my hair in bed. We had just had sex for the first time. We are friends on FetLife. We met, vaguely, through the kink scene. But it occurred to him that he hadn’t yet sufficiently gone through my FetLife profile or my list of kinks there to “know what I’m into.”

Thing is, I didn’t really want to talk about what I’m into. I usually don’t. And it’s not about being shy or coy, it’s about letting things develop naturally, there is a certain flow and spontaneity about it that you can’t get otherwise. Sure, throwing all your fetishes up on FetLife and having your partners, or prospective partners, read them might be convenient and easy. But I also find it a bit awkward. Continue reading

Paulo Coelho on Sexual Deviance

While reading Bo Blaze‘s book, I was reminded of this passage I loved from Paulo Coelho‘s Veronika Decides to Die, which I read some time ago. So I thought I’d post it for you here, too. Hope he (Paulo, that is) won’t mind that I copied a whole two pages out of his material, I do love his work ever so much. Reading a sixth book of his (11 Minutes) now.

Here is the text:

“In his dissertation on Vitriol, he would have to include a long chapter on sex. After all, so many neuroses and psychoses had their origins in sex. He believed that fantasies were electrical impulses from the brain, which, if not realized, released their energy into other areas.

During his medical studies, Dr. Igor read an interesting treatise on sexual deviance, sadism, masochism, homosexuality, coprophagy, coprolalia, voyeurism—the list was endless.

At first, he considered these things examples of deviant behavior in a few maladjusted people incapable of having a healthy relationship with their partners. As he advanced his profession as psychiatrist, however, and talked to his patients, he realized that everyone has an unusual story to tell. His patients would sit down in the comfortable armchair in his office, stare hard at the floor, and begin a long dissertation on what they called “illness” (as if he were not the doctor) or perversions (as if he were not the psychiatrist charged with deciding what was and wasn’t perverse). Continue reading