Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…). Continue reading

Kink, Pizza and Jazz

OK, so I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean, I’ll talk about no longer going to sex parties and then I’ll go to sex parties. I’ll talk about not really being interested in kink, and then I get involved in BDSM entanglements. I’ll say one thing and do another. I’ll do one thing and then say something completely different. But, who hasn’t contradicted themselves at some point in their lives? The only thing I can say is that I won’t deny being a hypocrite and I’ll at least be honest (here and with people in person) about who I am and what I want at each point in life. Continue reading

A Sexual Bucket List (à mon avis).

sex, fetish, fetish play

One of Archbishop Tutu’s intimate snapshots from a Fetish Tribe Suspension party in New York.

I stumbled upon someone else’s write-up of a sexual bucket list (50 things to do before you die) the other day, found that I’ve already experienced most of the things on it, shared it on Facebook and had a bunch of my friends laugh at it for it being “too tame.” So, in light of that (and in light of the “omg, eww, that’s gross!” hilarious comments on that original article), I decided to compile my own list. It’s a mixture of things I’ve done, things I still want to try, things my friends have done, scenes I’ve seen others partake in, experiences I’ve imagined or fantasized about, etc. The original list was mostly skewed towards sexual experiences that women might want to have, but I tried to keep mine mostly balanced between the genders, hence item #1, which was alluded to in the original list (“kiss a girl”), but is extrapolated upon here…

(Sidenote #1: There are, of course, other lists of this sort out there already, Namely, the 1000 item-long Purity Test, which a friend of mine put me on to. You’re certainly welcome to peruse it, but I still wanted to writer a shorter, more manageable personal list, if only for shits and giggles.

Sidenote #2: To the prudes reading this, if you think this stuff is disgusting, vile or weird, I’ll happily direct you to a plethora of French literature and to FetLife, where you can find even more sexual experiments that will fit those adjectives better. I did actually try to keep this list to “things within reason,” so no donkey fucking, golden or brown showers or anything like that. You’re welcome.)

Friends and readers: I encourage you to add items that I may have missed in the comments section. I’d love to hear your ideas. Let’s inspire one another!

Without further ado… Continue reading

My Relationship with Kink (nowadays)

“So I don’t even know what you’re into,” he said, as he stroked my hair in bed. We had just had sex for the first time. We are friends on FetLife. We met, vaguely, through the kink scene. But it occurred to him that he hadn’t yet sufficiently gone through my FetLife profile or my list of kinks there to “know what I’m into.”

Thing is, I didn’t really want to talk about what I’m into. I usually don’t. And it’s not about being shy or coy, it’s about letting things develop naturally, there is a certain flow and spontaneity about it that you can’t get otherwise. Sure, throwing all your fetishes up on FetLife and having your partners, or prospective partners, read them might be convenient and easy. But I also find it a bit awkward. Continue reading

That Was Hot, This is How

Bo Blaze, 50 Shades of Curious, Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James

50 Shades of Grey has taken the country by storm, now Bo Blaze is here to tell you how it’s done (and not done) in his guide on BDSM for beginners.

Piggybacking off the popularity of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which has sold over 70 million copies worldwide, Bo Blaze, an alternative life coach on the kink scene in New York, recently published his similarly titled “50 Shades of Curious”—a BDSM guide for beginners. Even though the book is meant for novices, I’d highly recommend it to anyone at any stage of their kinksploration, as we could all use a refresher or two on how to practice kink and alternative relationships safely and ethically.

Bo, who has traveled around America teaching kink and alternative lifestyles at universities and conferences, reminds readers that BDSM is a contact sport. While it doesn’t always have to hurt or involve some sort of hitting or methods of torture, it most often does. “I don’t think I’m exaggerating here when I say: your partner’s life is in your hands,” he writes. And while the chances that you’ll actually kill someone with BDSM (the blanket term for bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, where the middle “DS” part also stands for dominance and submission) play are unlikely, they’re still there. Continue reading

Oh, hello!

Image

When I first interviewed for a job in financial journalism several years ago, I knew nothing on the subject, but one of the interviewing editors told me: think of it as learning another language.

I got the job and found that he was right. I “learned the language.” I learned what a private equity fund was, how a collateralized debt obligation worked, how money changed hands between investors, banks and money management firms and how it all worked, but I took it all for granted and didn’t ask the tough questions. We were just taught to ask, “Where are you putting your money tomorrow?”

That is until the 2008 market crash, when it all came toppling down and we learned to ask whether some of these instruments were too complex? How can you be betting against one security while selling it to investors on another end and basically: what the hell were you thinking?

Similarly, when by some sequence of events, I fell into several alternative scenes and subcultures in New York, including the Burning Man crowd, polyamorous people, fetish-party-going kinksters, goths, burlesque dancers and various other fun-loving crews and glamorous creatures of the night, I also initially just “learned their language,” observed their habits and didn’t ask questions. I took it at face value and assumed that things just worked differently for these people and I could adapt to their environment.

That was all until the crash of 2012. Of course this is a “crash” of my own invention, the stock market actually did very well in 2012, but many other things went down: the European debt crisis, the fiscal cliff, the Connecticut school shootings, to name just a few. Particularly, a lot of things went sour in my own life and those of my friends’: many people’s long-term relationships fell apart, including my own three-year relationship; my friends’ parents died, many lost their jobs, others were making drastic lifestyle changes, still others were moving towns or countries or quitting the scene (whichever scene I happened to find myself on that day). So again, I learned to ask the difficult questions, such as: what have you been doing up until now? Does this even make sense? What do you ultimately want? (I had to finally face this question myself) And, basically, what the hell is the point?

In having some of these conversations with friends and doing more so-called research lately, I found the best thing I could ever hope for. I found surprise. Surprise that not all financiers are fraudulent greedy bastards or squares in suits, surprise that not all polyamourous relationships fail, not all burners are pot-smoking hippies living in their parents’ basements, not all kinksters/BDSM-enthusiasts are freaks who need to be ostracized from society, not all normal people are “vanilla” (in fact, some are chocolate or strawberry!) and not all dwarves like to be tossed. (Google dwarf tossing! It’s a thing, really!)

The thing is: stereotypes and preconceptions aren’t always completely erroneous or misguided, but they’re extremely limited in their scope. There is so much more to life, to a certain group of people, or even to one specific person than any of these blanket statements.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some of the most exquisitely freaky, decadently dirty, uniquely creative and wonderfully starch clean people in the last few years. Here are some of their stories, interspersed with some of my own, as well as some random humor, wackiness, truth masquerading as fiction and vice versa.