Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…). Continue reading

My (own) guide to BDSM

byte_MG_8246I’ve had a few (old and new) friends ask me for advice recently about getting into (or more into) the BDSM world, so I thought I’d post some suggestions here for their benefit. And for anyone else that might have similar questions.

I did write a mini review of Bo Blaze’s book, 50 Shades of Curious, a few months ago and that’s already a good place to start. Bo is also an alternative life coach and teaches classes at The Eulenspiegel Society, which is the biggest BDSM support and education group that you can tap for classes, event listings and all kinds of resources. (Disclaimer: I’m not involved with TES and don’t claim to be an educator on the subject, but since I’ve been writing about kink and have been involved in the scene in NYC for some time, I thought I’d offer some guidance).

Personally, I’d encourage people to figure out what they want when it comes to kink. Sure, few of us know what (specific) activities we might like before trying them, but I’m sure most people already have some idea of whether they’re dominant, submissive or a switch and what their general proclivities might be when it comes to kink. But what I mean is: what are you trying to accomplish? Do you know? Are you doing it with/for someone else that’s interested in it? That’s totally fine. It’s how a lot of people wind up getting into BDSM. But if so, make sure you’re enjoying whatever it is the two (or however many) of you are doing together, not just trying to please someone else.  Continue reading

A Sexual Bucket List (à mon avis).

sex, fetish, fetish play

One of Archbishop Tutu’s intimate snapshots from a Fetish Tribe Suspension party in New York.

I stumbled upon someone else’s write-up of a sexual bucket list (50 things to do before you die) the other day, found that I’ve already experienced most of the things on it, shared it on Facebook and had a bunch of my friends laugh at it for it being “too tame.” So, in light of that (and in light of the “omg, eww, that’s gross!” hilarious comments on that original article), I decided to compile my own list. It’s a mixture of things I’ve done, things I still want to try, things my friends have done, scenes I’ve seen others partake in, experiences I’ve imagined or fantasized about, etc. The original list was mostly skewed towards sexual experiences that women might want to have, but I tried to keep mine mostly balanced between the genders, hence item #1, which was alluded to in the original list (“kiss a girl”), but is extrapolated upon here…

(Sidenote #1: There are, of course, other lists of this sort out there already, Namely, the 1000 item-long Purity Test, which a friend of mine put me on to. You’re certainly welcome to peruse it, but I still wanted to writer a shorter, more manageable personal list, if only for shits and giggles.

Sidenote #2: To the prudes reading this, if you think this stuff is disgusting, vile or weird, I’ll happily direct you to a plethora of French literature and to FetLife, where you can find even more sexual experiments that will fit those adjectives better. I did actually try to keep this list to “things within reason,” so no donkey fucking, golden or brown showers or anything like that. You’re welcome.)

Friends and readers: I encourage you to add items that I may have missed in the comments section. I’d love to hear your ideas. Let’s inspire one another!

Without further ado… Continue reading

Big Kids “R” Us

While transcribing several interviews with friends from the various alternative scenes, be it the BDSM world, or polyamory or what-have-you, I often come across the question of, “who knows about this in your daily life?” People like your parents, relatives, non-scene (I hate the term “vanilla”) friends, co-workers, etc. And I’m not asking it in any kind of moralistic way, like “OMG, do your parents know you do this crazy stuff??!?” I do this crazy stuff myself, of course, so I’m usually just curious to what extent other people are open about it and how they go about deciding who to tell or not tell or how to tell them. Continue reading

My Relationship with Kink (nowadays)

“So I don’t even know what you’re into,” he said, as he stroked my hair in bed. We had just had sex for the first time. We are friends on FetLife. We met, vaguely, through the kink scene. But it occurred to him that he hadn’t yet sufficiently gone through my FetLife profile or my list of kinks there to “know what I’m into.”

Thing is, I didn’t really want to talk about what I’m into. I usually don’t. And it’s not about being shy or coy, it’s about letting things develop naturally, there is a certain flow and spontaneity about it that you can’t get otherwise. Sure, throwing all your fetishes up on FetLife and having your partners, or prospective partners, read them might be convenient and easy. But I also find it a bit awkward. Continue reading

That Was Hot, This is How

Bo Blaze, 50 Shades of Curious, Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James

50 Shades of Grey has taken the country by storm, now Bo Blaze is here to tell you how it’s done (and not done) in his guide on BDSM for beginners.

Piggybacking off the popularity of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which has sold over 70 million copies worldwide, Bo Blaze, an alternative life coach on the kink scene in New York, recently published his similarly titled “50 Shades of Curious”—a BDSM guide for beginners. Even though the book is meant for novices, I’d highly recommend it to anyone at any stage of their kinksploration, as we could all use a refresher or two on how to practice kink and alternative relationships safely and ethically.

Bo, who has traveled around America teaching kink and alternative lifestyles at universities and conferences, reminds readers that BDSM is a contact sport. While it doesn’t always have to hurt or involve some sort of hitting or methods of torture, it most often does. “I don’t think I’m exaggerating here when I say: your partner’s life is in your hands,” he writes. And while the chances that you’ll actually kill someone with BDSM (the blanket term for bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, where the middle “DS” part also stands for dominance and submission) play are unlikely, they’re still there. Continue reading