Some reasons why I love the community

(Or the musings of an occasional hypocrite: A post dedicated to Greg)

“You know it tickles me to no end to see you at sex parties, given how negatively you’ve written about them in your blog,” he said to me while we were chatting at the latest Wonderland party.

So, yes, I’ve been pretty critical of the scene in the past, and yes, I still sometimes go to parties, and yes, I sometimes still enjoy them (although Wonderland and that thing in New Orleans were the only events of this sort I’ve actually enjoyed in months if not longer). So I know what you’re thinking, what gives? Or better yet, you’re such a hypocrite! Which is true, I’ve admitted to occasional hypocrisy already in this post.

And don’t worry, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure it all out in the past couple of years. The thing is that I’ve spent so much time on the scene and made so many great and lasting connections there, that even though I might not always want everything that the scene offers or promotes (polyamory, public sex, open relationships, swapping partners and so on), I still enjoy spending time with my friends there. And parties are a great venue to catch them all at once, when we’re all busy New Yorkers (some with multiple partners) and trying to make plans with people often looks like this. Continue reading

Regarding Those Orgy Reviews…

secret sex party, shutterstock, business insider

Photo from Business Insider/Shutterstock

OK, I know I’m super late on this, as I haven’t had much time to write here lately, but I wanted to discuss those Hacienda party reviews that appeared in a few online publications in Feb. You know the one that first ran in Business Insider and then got picked up by Slate and a bunch of other places, quoting a certain “Mr. Sparks” and talking about a sex party we all know and love and have been going to for years. A few of my friends asked me for my thoughts, and a sort-of rebuttal to it, so I’m finally getting around to it.

My first thought was: “Secret??”” Bwahahahahaha!

The word was featured prominently on all headlines regarding the story and I thought it was funny because there parties are hardly secret. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people that get invited or have been invited over the years. And even if you don’t get invited, if you’re on the various alternative scenes in New York, you’ve likely heard of it through word-of-mouth and Facebook posting to the tune of “OMG, the Hacienda party was SOOO amazing last night!!” (yes, yes, I’ve been one of those posters). But, ya know, if you consider that secret, that’s up to you.

My second thought was: Who is Mr. Sparks? Continue reading

Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…). Continue reading

Sex Statistics!

sex-market-researchSo I hear some of you have been waiting with bated breath for the results of my Sex Survey. I finally put my number crunchin’ and data analysis pants on the other day, and am happy to deliver some sexy statistics to you.

As a reminder, the idea behind running the survey came from a conversation I had with P, when we both counted our number of sex partners, compared that to the number of people we’d slept with from within the sex party/poly/fetish scene and realized it was a small percentage of the total. The conclusion? Sluts will be sluts whether they’re on such a scene or not. I then decided to poll some other folks on these scenes to see if the same was true for others. And, on average, it appears to be so! Continue reading

The Slut-o-Meter (a fun survey)

sex surveyWhen I was bored at home one night a few weeks ago, I decided to tally the number of sexual partners I’ve had. I’ve done this before, of course, but this time I did something different. I decided to ferret out how many of these partners were people from the poly, sex-positive, fetish or whatever-you-want-to-call-it scene(s). And I was surprised to find out that only about 1/4th of my total number* came from the related scenes.

I then shared these findings with my friend, P, who vaguely estimated her own numbers in her head and said that the same would be true of hers. Conclusion? We were both slutty long before getting on to any of these scenes. Then we decided to conduct a survey among other scene people to see if the same was true of their numbers. Continue reading

The Sluts

Infinite Eye, naked girls, butts, cabin

They do exist! Or should I say: we do exist? I am one, too, of course. I just take occasional breaks and am less in the mood for casual sex these days. But when I was doing the poly thing, at a certain point I was seeing as many as four other people in addition to my girlfriend at a time. There was a week in which I had ridiculous amounts of sex with different people.

A friend of mine told me, at a vanilla, day-time party this week, that I was good at sucking cock. I asked him how he knew. Apparently, I had gone down on him once at a play party and forgot about it. Oops. But I will take the compliment! (And see also: my post on blowjobs).

There have been a lot of articles floating around lately about female sexuality, arguing that women like sex just as much as men do and should be free to pursue it, be promiscuous and so on. I was going to link some here, but I’m sure you’ve all seen the multiple feminist manifestos yourself. Continue reading

The EX Factor

So we don’t often talk about this because we take these (very strange) truths to be self evident, but running into your ex at a sex party is a common thing on the scenes I roll in. Which also means that you might see your ex having sex (or doing other sexual things) at a party, or they might see you. Which is, or could be, admittedly awkward. Or, depending on the people or situation in question, painful, even. As poly, schmoly, open or whatever you might be, it’s probably still strange to watch someone you were once deeply involved with have sex with someone else, especially if there are any latent feelings of hurt, anger or resentment lingering. Continue reading

Funnies at Orgies

cartoon bdsmIf you’ve never been to a sex party before, you are probably imagining it to be either something decadent and well-staged like Eyes Wide Shut, or something lame and disgusting, full of old, aggressive, unattractive people and the guys wanking off in the corner by themselves.

The truth is that orgies are either somewhere in between or nothing like either of those. They are full of real people, which includes the young and the old, the hot and the not-so-hot and everyone in between (unless it’s a young-and-hot-people-only party, which do exist). And the other thing is: a lot of funny shit happens at orgies. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, or laugh at all the intricate kinky play we try to engage in (and sometimes/often fail at), then you probably don’t have a good sense of humor and don’t belong at an orgy anyway.

Here are some of my favorite funny moments from orgies: Continue reading

What it feels like for a girl

Madonna, music video, What it Feels Like for a GirlFriends, acquaintances and strangers keep reminding me, usually in a positive way, that it’s ballsy to be writing about sex and traveling alone as a woman. Because as an American woman (or at least one living in America), I’m generally not expected to have an opinion on sex, let alone be writing about it. And traveling… well, traveling is dangerous alone for a gal. But, for better or worse, I never felt uncomfortable about any of it. Continue reading

Some delicious inspiration

Oh, what a view! (photo by The Dirty Gentleman)

Oh, what a view! (photo by The Dirty Gentleman)

I’ve found myself to be hooked on the wonderful, eloquently filthy world of Quickies in New York lately. I’m such a sucker (no pun intended?) for some well-written erotica. And am surprised that I’ve only discovered it recently, seeing as it’s been rocking New York since 2009 and some of my friends are involved in the beautiful photography (by none other than the debonair Dirty Gentleman). But better late than never, as they say!

I’ve found many of Guy New York‘s posts to be quite enthralling and inspiring. If you aren’t reading him already, I suggest you do. It’s sure to get your heart (and other things) racing. You know, if you are into that sort of thing. Continue reading