Some reasons why I love the community

(Or the musings of an occasional hypocrite: A post dedicated to Greg)

“You know it tickles me to no end to see you at sex parties, given how negatively you’ve written about them in your blog,” he said to me while we were chatting at the latest Wonderland party.

So, yes, I’ve been pretty critical of the scene in the past, and yes, I still sometimes go to parties, and yes, I sometimes still enjoy them (although Wonderland and that thing in New Orleans were the only events of this sort I’ve actually enjoyed in months if not longer). So I know what you’re thinking, what gives? Or better yet, you’re such a hypocrite! Which is true, I’ve admitted to occasional hypocrisy already in this post.

And don’t worry, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure it all out in the past couple of years. The thing is that I’ve spent so much time on the scene and made so many great and lasting connections there, that even though I might not always want everything that the scene offers or promotes (polyamory, public sex, open relationships, swapping partners and so on), I still enjoy spending time with my friends there. And parties are a great venue to catch them all at once, when we’re all busy New Yorkers (some with multiple partners) and trying to make plans with people often looks like this. Continue reading

Regarding Those Orgy Reviews…

secret sex party, shutterstock, business insider

Photo from Business Insider/Shutterstock

OK, I know I’m super late on this, as I haven’t had much time to write here lately, but I wanted to discuss those Hacienda party reviews that appeared in a few online publications in Feb. You know the one that first ran in Business Insider and then got picked up by Slate and a bunch of other places, quoting a certain “Mr. Sparks” and talking about a sex party we all know and love and have been going to for years. A few of my friends asked me for my thoughts, and a sort-of rebuttal to it, so I’m finally getting around to it.

My first thought was: “Secret??”” Bwahahahahaha!

The word was featured prominently on all headlines regarding the story and I thought it was funny because there parties are hardly secret. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people that get invited or have been invited over the years. And even if you don’t get invited, if you’re on the various alternative scenes in New York, you’ve likely heard of it through word-of-mouth and Facebook posting to the tune of “OMG, the Hacienda party was SOOO amazing last night!!” (yes, yes, I’ve been one of those posters). But, ya know, if you consider that secret, that’s up to you.

My second thought was: Who is Mr. Sparks? Continue reading

Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…). Continue reading

Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…). Continue reading

Kink, Pizza and Jazz

OK, so I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean, I’ll talk about no longer going to sex parties and then I’ll go to sex parties. I’ll talk about not really being interested in kink, and then I get involved in BDSM entanglements. I’ll say one thing and do another. I’ll do one thing and then say something completely different. But, who hasn’t contradicted themselves at some point in their lives? The only thing I can say is that I won’t deny being a hypocrite and I’ll at least be honest (here and with people in person) about who I am and what I want at each point in life. Continue reading

My (own) guide to BDSM

byte_MG_8246I’ve had a few (old and new) friends ask me for advice recently about getting into (or more into) the BDSM world, so I thought I’d post some suggestions here for their benefit. And for anyone else that might have similar questions.

I did write a mini review of Bo Blaze’s book, 50 Shades of Curious, a few months ago and that’s already a good place to start. Bo is also an alternative life coach and teaches classes at The Eulenspiegel Society, which is the biggest BDSM support and education group that you can tap for classes, event listings and all kinds of resources. (Disclaimer: I’m not involved with TES and don’t claim to be an educator on the subject, but since I’ve been writing about kink and have been involved in the scene in NYC for some time, I thought I’d offer some guidance).

Personally, I’d encourage people to figure out what they want when it comes to kink. Sure, few of us know what (specific) activities we might like before trying them, but I’m sure most people already have some idea of whether they’re dominant, submissive or a switch and what their general proclivities might be when it comes to kink. But what I mean is: what are you trying to accomplish? Do you know? Are you doing it with/for someone else that’s interested in it? That’s totally fine. It’s how a lot of people wind up getting into BDSM. But if so, make sure you’re enjoying whatever it is the two (or however many) of you are doing together, not just trying to please someone else.  Continue reading

Thick Pickens

orgyLast weekend, particularly last Saturday night, there were as many as five to seven play parties (what the cool kids are calling orgies these days) to choose from. Talk about a smorgasbord of menu options. We certainly don’t have a boring life here in New York. I, myself, was invited to maybe three, but in talking with a few friends, I gathered that there were many more and some people had as many as five to select from. Yep, it’s a hard knock life!

Before writing this post, I decided to do some research (as a good journalist would) on what else is out there in sex party coverage in New York. So I found this L Magazine piece, some TimeOut coverage and this more recent piece, mostly on survival skills at a sex party. It seems to me that the writers out there covering sex parties are barely scratching the surface, or maybe they’re scratching a completely different surface, since they seem to be talking about parties that are in Manhattan, are very fancy and expensive, are probably tiered by gender/relationship status (i.e. If you are a single male, you have to pay a shit ton of money or you can’t even get in. If you’re a couple, you have to probably still pay a good ton of money. But if you’re a single woman, you can get in very cheap or scot-free). Most of which barely applies to the parties I’ve gone to, except for some. Continue reading

Two birds, one stone

M played a big part in my crossing out a lot of the items on the Sexual Bucket List I penned last week.  And while I’m away for Thanksgiving at my parents’ other house in Maryland, I remembered that M and I came up here for a weekend some years ago when we were seeing a Pearl Jam concert near by.

The parents weren’t here, of course, and we had a bunch of sex all over the place (so, sex in your parents’ bedroom? Check!). But, more importantly, it was here that we finally decided to record ourselves doing it (making a sex tape, check!). He was a professional photographer and videographer, so there was a lot of set-up involved. This had to be done right, you see, while I mostly just wanted to get on with the show. He positioned the tripod, camera and lighting to his liking and then we did a couple of test shots, though I realized, the rest of him wasn’t in the frame. You could see me sucking his dick or the front of my body while he fucked me from behind, but you couldn’t see his face. No, we couldn’t have that.

“I want you in the picture,” I demanded.

“But this is how they do it in porn!”

“I don’t care what they do in porn,” I objected. “Fair is fair!”

“Besides,” I said. “I … like … your … face,” planting a firm kiss on his lips in between every word.

I got what I wanted. He got to keep the tape. And all was fair in love and war.

Exhibitionism Lite (or the thrill of getting caught)

nails, door knob, fetish

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

C has his own website at The Kink Studio these days and has been blogging there about some of our adventures. He recently wrote about one of our summer trysts and my penchant for … not exactly exhibitionism … but doing things in public places, where the thrill or fear of getting caught makes it feel all the more exciting and deviant (though I don’t actually want to get caught). What do you call this? Exhibitionism lite?

I know I did plenty of things in the past few years that looked like “exhibitionism full throttle,” what with all the fucking at sex parties and the like, but I don’t think I was ever into exhibitionism per se. Before, at the parties, I was just trying something new on for size. If there was someone at a sex party that I wanted to play with, I’d do it regardless of who was or wasn’t watching. These days, I seem to have less of a desire to do anything at play parties, for whatever reason. But discreetly playing in (inappropriate) public places remains to be one of my guilty pleasures. Continue reading

A Sexual Bucket List (à mon avis).

sex, fetish, fetish play

One of Archbishop Tutu’s intimate snapshots from a Fetish Tribe Suspension party in New York.

I stumbled upon someone else’s write-up of a sexual bucket list (50 things to do before you die) the other day, found that I’ve already experienced most of the things on it, shared it on Facebook and had a bunch of my friends laugh at it for it being “too tame.” So, in light of that (and in light of the “omg, eww, that’s gross!” hilarious comments on that original article), I decided to compile my own list. It’s a mixture of things I’ve done, things I still want to try, things my friends have done, scenes I’ve seen others partake in, experiences I’ve imagined or fantasized about, etc. The original list was mostly skewed towards sexual experiences that women might want to have, but I tried to keep mine mostly balanced between the genders, hence item #1, which was alluded to in the original list (“kiss a girl”), but is extrapolated upon here…

(Sidenote #1: There are, of course, other lists of this sort out there already, Namely, the 1000 item-long Purity Test, which a friend of mine put me on to. You’re certainly welcome to peruse it, but I still wanted to writer a shorter, more manageable personal list, if only for shits and giggles.

Sidenote #2: To the prudes reading this, if you think this stuff is disgusting, vile or weird, I’ll happily direct you to a plethora of French literature and to FetLife, where you can find even more sexual experiments that will fit those adjectives better. I did actually try to keep this list to “things within reason,” so no donkey fucking, golden or brown showers or anything like that. You’re welcome.)

Friends and readers: I encourage you to add items that I may have missed in the comments section. I’d love to hear your ideas. Let’s inspire one another!

Without further ado… Continue reading