Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…).

First, let’s review the facts: it’s usually sex-party-going men that get blamed for a lot of things and the women that were previously involved with them that ask they be “banned” from future events. And whether or not this is within reason is a case-by-case basis, of course.

It makes sense, since it’s usually men that want to do more things with more people and the women in question (either their wives, girlfriends or their new play partners) wind up feeling violated, wronged, used, abused, disrespected, etc. when the men have gone too far.

One thing that often happens that I don’t get is a bunch of bitchy, whiny girls that start complaining about something that happened to them months after the fact. Like, “OMG, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and realized that finger in my ass half a year ago was totally not OK!! No siree, not after he’s had his finger and cock everywhere else!”

I know, I know, but BOUNDARIES!… but what if that was really not cool with her, but what if that was the first time she had anything in her ass… OK, I get it. But still, I feel like if you’re going to go to these things and engage in any sex/kink/play, you’re already opening yourself up to a certain degree of risk and, once you start playing with someone, it’s impossible (and also tedious and boring) to discuss exactly what you’re going to do and in what order. Chances are, you might get carried away. These chances are even greater if one or both of you are on drugs or drinking. If a specific thing (or finger or other body part in some given orifice isn’t OK with you), either make it clear right then and there or don’t go crying about it later.

This has happened to me, too, of course, where once upon an orgy, I was entangled in bed with a couple of my lovers. Someone they were playing with was also there, and the next thing I knew his cock was inside me, when we had never really played together before and I wasn’t really into him. But I guess he assumed that since we were all in the same bed and he was playing with my lovers, it was cool. So whatever, I went with it. I mean, he put a condom on, of course. It wasn’t terrible. It just so happened that I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, but I didn’t go bitching about it later (nor am I bitching about it now). If anything, it should’ve been my job to tell him then that this wasn’t OK with me, but I didn’t want to make a scene.

But these kinds of things happen all the time and in cases where it does involve forgotten condoms or potential STD’s or unwanted fingers in anuses or whatever, it turns into a lot of drama, a lot of he said-she said and a lot of people trying to keep guys out of these parties. There are, of course, legitimate complaints out there against specific people, where their repeated, non-consensual, erratic behavior are good grounds to get them banned from a party, or at least dis-invited for some period of time. But whether this happens, will often depend on who the guy is and whether he is friends with people that are in a “position of power” or is himself in such a position.

If you don’t know the right people, then chances are you’ll get the boot pretty quickly. I once had someone banned from the parties because of a bad experience I had with him, but it was hilarious to me that the person keeping him out was an even bigger asshole, he just happened to be one of the hosts at the time.

A lot of the time, the guys that are being kept out of the parties don’t even know what they did wrong to get banned or they’re pretending not to. My guess is they actually don’t know. Dudes were just being dudes and often don’t realize when they’re being disrespectful/out-of-line/derogatory, etc. (I’m not saying ignorance makes it OK, I’m just saying that sometimes it needs to be explained to them step-by-step and word-for-word).

Another way that sex party drama ensues is issues between exes or people that used to date, that spills over into the party. The most common cases go like this: boy meets girl on the scene, they really like each other and start fucking, while continuing to fuck other people. As time goes on, they start spending a lot of time together, fucking less other people and developing something that looks like a relationship, until the dude decides that the gal in question is cramping his Casanova-like lifestyle and he never intended to get into a relationship in the first place, so he dumps her. Boo hoo (Mind you: I’m not making fun of anyone here. Or I’m making fun of everyone and myself, as I’ve been on the boo hoo side of this equation). Sometimes the woman in question (or the guy, if he were the one dumped, I don’t want to get all heteronormative on you here…) tries to ban their ex from the party, but it’s not like this scene, or any scene for that matter, comes with heartbreak insurance. Not wanting your ex around at a sex party is understandable, but usually not good grounds to try to get them banned. My advice would just be to not go, if you know they’re there, until the storm blows over.

But while the breakup is fresh, the drama often ensues. And the hosts have to decide whom to invite to which party or whether to invite both of them, cause you know they both won’t be going to the same sex party for a while. Jefferson has said that, as a general rule, the chick usually gets to keep the sex party. Maybe, but as far as I’ve seen, that hasn’t always been the case. If the guy is better friends with one of the hosts of a party, he’ll usually still get the invite. I think it’s best to just keep inviting both people and let them sort out who gets to go amongst themselves, if you care about keeping them both as friends, that is.

Personally, I’m over all that. When I had my various little (and big) dramas on the scene, I just abstained from some parties to not see certain people. Or I “split” the parties with my ex girlfriend, where she decided she’d go to one set of parties and I’d go to the other. And these days, I rarely go to them at all, but I realize friends of mine continue having to deal with some of these things.

I was talking to one of my friends about it a week ago and she mentioned she was upset/confused that someone she liked and wanted to play with had a bad rep and people wanted to keep him out of parties for something he did, but she had no idea what it was.

She said: “I think there needs to be a method for dealing with these things.” And I’d tend to agree: since they happen so often, it might be time for a precedent. But what would that even look like? A list of “registered sex-party offenders?” With the crimes listed next to their names and appropriate sentences/punishments for said crimes (note: on this kind of scene, you never know when a punishment might not actually be a punishment).

I know the Hacienda already has a list of all their invitees somewhere, with comments next to everyone’s name, so maybe that’s a start. Who wants to launch the Sex Party Justice System? There are enough lawyers on this scene to get this going… (I’m looking at you, G).

2 thoughts on “Sex Party Drama

  1. I totally relate to this, having inadvertently caused drama, brought drama as a date or been drama-d upon. It’s very complicated and even with the utmost communication things go wrong. And the more you attend the better the chances. And no one ever goes to the door person and says “This person was SO respectful!”

  2. When a couple splits up, the girl gets the sex party. Everyone knows this.

    That’s an aphorism of mine that I often repeat, somewhat sardonically, though one sees it enacted over and again. To follow up on your attribution here, I’ve adhered to a different standard in my role as host. If someone asks that I ban an ex, solely on the grounds that being in the same sex environment would be uncomfortable, I reply that both remain invited. It is up to them to decide, either individually or together, whether or not they will attend. It’s not the role of a host to engage in their upset or to bring it into the larger community.

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