Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…).

Pretty much all the guys I had met on there were one-dimensional, kink-obsessed lunies with one-track minds. Even when we seemingly had plenty of things in common (like work, journalism, writing, finance, a love of art, a love of travel, you name it), they seemed unable to talk about anything other than kink, and what they’d like to do to me that night/next weekend/next week/next month.

If they didn’t go there right away or on the first date, they’d launch into it eventually. And at some point, it’d become everything we talked about… And, mind you, I did try to steer the conversations in other directions, but it never worked. They always brought it back to: “So, you wanna get spanked, dontcha?” Or “Do you want to play with my sub together?” Or… “Wouldn’t it be hot if you spent all day fucking someone else, and then came over my place to get ‘punished’?” Or … any number of things, to which I just said, “Uumm… I thought we were still on the having drinks/coffee portion of this program…”

I at least have to give props to the guys that waited until we had actually played together and/or gone out several times to launch into pure, never-ending kink/sex talk. Some of the other ones would dive into it right away, on the first or second date, before we had even been intimate, when it was completely out-of-the-blue and uncalled for. Newsflash: it doesn’t matter how hot you are or how good at kink (you think) you are, I’m not going to be turned on by all your dirty talk until we’ve actually played together and I *know* that you are good. And you need to set my mind aflutter, before you can get my panties wet.

It’s not that I’m bored by kink (although, I must admit, lately I kind of have been), it’s that I’m bored by just kink. And people that are seemingly unable to discuss anything else. It makes you one dimensional and uninteresting. Similarly, If you were really into race cars or motorcycles, it might be fun go for a spin at first, but if it became all we ever did and talked about, it’d also become boring. Quickly. Versatility is probably my favorite trait in people.

I was talking to Jefferson about some of this a while ago and I was wondering if I’m justified in feeling this way, or if the guys in question are justified in laying the kink talk on thick because they know I’m kinky/am on FetLife (or was, at this point)/go to fetish parties, etc. But he said no, that his way (and advice to men) is usually to talk about anything else when they meet people on the scene.

“You already know you have these things in common, so why talk about it? My advice is: talk about anything other than kink and if you find you have things in common and have a connection, it’ll be easy to just say: ‘wanna go have sex?’ or ‘want to play with my new whip?’ since you both already know you’re into it,” he said.

And I’d tend to agree: just because you know a person is kinky, it doesn’t give you carte blanche to treat someone (and talk to them) as though they’re nothing more than a vessel for your (very specific) sexual desires.

But it seems the FetLife guys, or at least the ones I’ve come across, haven’t realized this. At least not yet. Maybe some of them will read this and learn something. Or maybe they’ll just get pissed off. I don’t really care.

In the meantime, I’ve quit the site, as the dudes were getting a bit annoying. And, by now, any of the friends I’ve had on there that I actually care to keep, I also know IRL (as the kids call it these days). I have their facebooks, phone numbers, addresses, etc., and can sufficiently stalk them without being on a site where someone I barely know is asking me to engage in cuckold play.

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