They do exist! Or should I say: we do exist? I am one, too, of course. I just take occasional breaks and am less in the mood for casual sex these days. But when I was doing the poly thing, at a certain point I was seeing as many as four other people in addition to my girlfriend at a time. There was a week in which I had ridiculous amounts of sex with different people.
A friend of mine told me, at a vanilla, day-time party this week, that I was good at sucking cock. I asked him how he knew. Apparently, I had gone down on him once at a play party and forgot about it. Oops. But I will take the compliment! (And see also: my post on blowjobs).
There have been a lot of articles floating around lately about female sexuality, arguing that women like sex just as much as men do and should be free to pursue it, be promiscuous and so on. I was going to link some here, but I’m sure you’ve all seen the multiple feminist manifestos yourself.
In The Ethical Slut (which I admittedly never finished because, aside from a couple of gems, it sounds like it was written for someone that’s never had a critical thought in their lives), the authors try to re-spin the term “slut” to a positive connotation and define it as: “A person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”
But however you define the term “slut,” they are out there. Many of them are my very good friends. Slut shaming is unfortunately still out there, too, though.
I routinely have my female friends (both the ones that are on the poly/sex-positive/fetish scene and ones that are not) complain to me that their boyfriends don’t fuck them often enough. I have many others regale me with their stories of sexual deviance and accomplishments.
Kate told me recently about a guy she was sleeping with, casually, who had recently decided he wanted to get married and have kids, so he was “shopping around for a wife.” She said she wasn’t “interested in the position” anyway, but he told her something like “Well, I can’t marry you, what do I tell my mother? That she wants a gang bang and is interested in eating my friend’s pussy?” Um, ick!
Here are some other quotes on sex from the gals (names have been changed):
Anne: “I can’t be attached to just one person, I need to have many lovers. I need variety. I can’t even have a primary partner, like in a poly relationship, I need to be free to fuck whoever I want.”
Stella: “He has a huge cock and he uses it so well. I get laid every day, as much as I want to and he can be used in any way, as a Dom or a sub, I love it. And I still get to see other people. He’ll even make arrangements to leave the house so I can have the place to myself.”
Nadia: “He doesn’t initiate it often enough, but I want it more, so I make him fuck me when I want to.”
Renee: “I like sex best when you don’t know each other well yet, so you don’t know what the other person likes or prefers and you can just use them the way you want.”
Jess: “He’s young and not very experienced, but I’m teaching him some things, and he is taking well to it and is not embarrassed. I introduced him to eating ass the other day.”
Maria: “He has never been in a relationship before, and he’s very passive and inexperienced in bed. The sex is infrequent and boring and I can’t have that, I’ll either need to talk to him about it or open up the relationship.”
So, yes, lots women like sex. Men obviously like sex, too. (Isn’t this a good thing? We agree!) Slut shaming is icky.
But as you can see from these quotes and from talking to people and your own experiences, everyone has very different sexual profiles and proclivities. What works for that person is not necessarily going to work for you. Dan Savage constantly gets mail from both men and women complaining that the sex isn’t frequent or kinky (or whatever) enough for their taste with their long-term (otherwise fantastic) partners.
The common truths are generally that: the sex is good, consistent and frequent in the beginning of a relationship, it tends to trail off in long-term ones. Keeping the hotness going is hard work. And finding someone that you’re compatible with sexually and in other ways over an extended period of time is also difficult. That’s all.