If you’ve never been to a sex party before, you are probably imagining it to be either something decadent and well-staged like Eyes Wide Shut, or something lame and disgusting, full of old, aggressive, unattractive people and the guys wanking off in the corner by themselves.
The truth is that orgies are either somewhere in between or nothing like either of those. They are full of real people, which includes the young and the old, the hot and the not-so-hot and everyone in between (unless it’s a young-and-hot-people-only party, which do exist). And the other thing is: a lot of funny shit happens at orgies. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, or laugh at all the intricate kinky play we try to engage in (and sometimes/often fail at), then you probably don’t have a good sense of humor and don’t belong at an orgy anyway.
Here are some of my favorite funny moments from orgies:
1) The first time I went to a Hacienda party, I felt really comfortable about it, as I knew the host (and was kind of dating him already, although I hadn’t had sex with him until that night). I went there with my roommate and girlfriend at the time. My roommate was super squeamish about the whole thing, never participated in anything or took his clothes off and told me he was really trying to avoid seeing me naked or seeing me doing anything.
He told me the next day, though, that when he walked out of the bathroom at a certain point, he couldn’t help but see me fucking.
“There you were splayed out and squealing like a little pig,” he said, referring to seeing the host, Andrew, fucking me from behind.
2) At another Hacienda party where I was just done having sex with two of my lovers and was lying in bed with them, the new creepy guy walked by (I don’t mean to suggest that every new guy at a sex party is creepy, but this one certainly was).
He said, “Can I touch that wet, just-fucked pussy?” (Referring to mine, of course). We all looked at each other in “WTF?” fashion and then all three of us, in unison, were like, “NO!”
3) The first time that Juicy, my girlfriend and I went to one of Trevor and Vanessa’s brunch sex parties, it was unusual because we weren’t used to going to day-time sex parties that involved brunch. At a certain point, Juicy went downstairs to get it on and later came back up and told Vanessa that she had just one complaint.
“What’s that?” Vanessa asked.
“When I eat brunch and then suck dick, I want to throw up,” she said.
And Vanessa, very calmly and matter-of-factly, replied: “Well, why don’t you suck dick and then eat brunch?”
Right, problem solved.
4) Speaking of food at a play party, when I went to one with C recently, he mentioned he was hungry after we’d been there for a few hours, so I told him there were some snacks out on the table.
“I don’t know about finger food at a sex party,” he said. “You never know where people’s fingers have been before they touch it.”
True. Though I may have already helped myself to some goat cheese. Oops!