This was the title of the Craigslist personals ad that my friend Juicy J and I posted, mostly just for fun, a few weeks ago. Juicy, who came up with the clever tag line, and I had been talking for some for time about how we’re not sure what our “marketing strategy” should be now when it comes to men. We were kind of over all the orgies, open/ambiguous relationships and all that jazz, but were still hanging out with the same people, and going to a lot of alternative parties, where we’d probably meet the same breed of men as we had before (the non-committal “I-just-wanna-party-and-get-laid-as-much-as-possible” guys). Though at the same time, going for vanilla guys probably wouldn’t work either. We were guessing they wouldn’t be comfortable with out past (present-ish?) and, to be honest, we’d probably find them utterly boring.
In the meantime, we decided to amuse ourselves one Saturday afternoon, after a boozy brunch, and post an ad that would encapsulate those ideas, mostly as a social experiment (an so I can blog it, of course) and to laugh.
The rest of the ad read as follows:
We’re two sexy ladies who have pretty much been there and done everything when it comes to the New York underground. The Burning Man scene, check. Fetish parties, check. Orgies, check. The goth scene, of course. Thing is: we’re kind of over it all now (I know, sucks being us, doesn’t it?). We’re looking for other “recovering scenesters:” guys who have been through it all, or are open minded to it, but are not super entrenched in it any longer, though wouldn’t be opposed to checking out the occasional costume/dance party should we get an inkling to have some serious fun. Though don’t ask us to go to a sex party. Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again. But we’ll be happy to tell you alll about it. (you want all the juicy details, dontcha?). We are looking for a double date. Bring a friend or not. And remember: we’re ladies, not just shrews with a sordid past.
The responses started pouring in that day, and for the next several days, and amounted to over 30 in total.
Many of them were lame one- or two-word messages that said things like “hi” and “hey there” and “what’s up” and “let’s hang out.” Some were so poorly written in terms of spelling and grammar that they’d never pass my smell test, at least. Many also supposed that we’d run and go out with them immediately that night, when that clearly wasn’t an option. We had plans that night, and probably plans for the next one or two weeks. We’re busy shrews, after all. Some wrote crafty messages but the pictures were definitely not our cup of tea.
Some highlights, if you will:
“Do you know how to cook?
Are you any good at giving a good foot massage in the morning?
How do you feel about treating a man as the king of the castle?”
“Do u mind if I have both of you?”
“I’m looking to go out on a date with a sex woman or two.”
One guy, in addition to listing his other measurements and characteristics, decided to inform us that he was “well hung: 8.5.” and suggested we “come warm up and wrap your legs around me soon.” Riiiight.
Another guy put an advertisement about his friend in the subject line, like so: “one of my accomplices was named Cosmo’s top 100 bachelors”
In the body of the message, he proceeded to talk his friends up some more: “but that was 10 years ago, but he still has ‘it’ trust me, I’ve seen him in action lol.” Listed more qualities about this “accomplice,” then said that his other accomplice “has 2 world series rings, is a 5-time major league baseball all-star and is a 1st base coach for a major league team.” (sports…. yawn!)
When he finally got to talking about himself, the copy was pretty great, actually. Dig the alliteration: “now who am I? Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate in this response to a random craigslist post. “ There was more to this crafty writing, but the opening line about the accomplice(s) kind of killed it, and besides he was too old (53) and not particularly attractive, in our opinion.
And I’m pretty sure the winning prize of all the responses would go to this gentleman:
“Talk about an interesting dinner conversation….maybe I’ll bring my naughty 21 year old ‘daughter.’ I’m sure she would be enthralled listening in…”
Uuumm… did we say we’d offer tutorials on how to be a fun-loving slut?? I think not!
Even though some of our friends (that knew about the ad) were urging us to go on a few dates to complete the experiment, we wound up not. Cause a) most of the responses, based on either looks, writing, or both, were meh (or worse then “meh,” some were downright creepy) and b) we often realize that our lives are already so full of stuff, that we don’t even have time to date. At least that’s still true for me. I usually don’t care to spend time with questionable people at questionable places when I have tons of awesome friends I can be sharing the good times with.
Juicy, though, I hear has been dating up a storm lately (with non-ad-related guys), as she’s due to leave New York for the sunnier pastures of San Francisco in a few weeks. Sometimes, we just need a good deadline.