Everything But The Pussy

Kurt Vonnegut, Wide Open Beavers, Goodbye Blue Monday

Kurt Vonnegut’s infamous wide-open beaver doodle from Goodbye Blue Monday

Once upon a New York evening, I went to a friend’s backyard BBQ and housewarming party on the Upper West Side (who knew anyone even had backyards in Manhattan? I sure didn’t!). The party, food and people were great and all, but let me get to the chase.

Somewhere between a burger and a hot dog, while drinking my whiskey, I started talking to a guy by the bar. He was apparently new to New York. Had moved here from California a few months ago and was looking for “some fun.” Pretty quickly the conversation veered in the direction of fetish parties. I thought it was odd and amusing that this guy somehow knew to talk to me about these things when we were just hanging out at a vanilla party and there was seemingly no cue to bring this up. But I decided to help him out and (having had a few drinks) get on my “let me tell you a thing or two about fetish parties!” high horse. In fact, I was a little proud of the fact that I knew exactly where to go and what to do when it came to the fetish/kink/sex party-scene in New York and had that whole world mapped out in my head.

I told him about the Fetish Tribe parties I go to sometimes at bars, where a lot of kinky people go to meet other like-minded kinksters. There was a Suspension party coming up at the time, so I told him about it and gave him the name of the venue.

The guy (let’s call him Eric) quickly became persistent and specific, though, and started asking to go to the party with me, as my slave, on a leash, something about taking him there, tying him up and slapping him around, etc. To which I said, “ummm….I don’t know….maybe…” (though I didn’t care much for it and have no idea why I keep getting approached by submissive men, whom I really have no interest in whatsoever). He later got even more specific and apparently had things like nudity and various sexual acts in mind. I explained to him that this wasn’t exactly possible at one of the Tribe parties, which happen in public bars/clubs, though I told him that I also have a friend who hosts private parties at his house in Brooklyn and that Eric might be freer to do those kinds of things there and get freaky to whatever (reasonable) extent he liked.

Though, to be honest, at this point, Eric was slightly starting to creep me out and get on my nerves, and I was no longer sure if I wanted to invite him to my friend’s house, let alone play with him myself (something I never signed up for in the first place. All I intended was to give him some info on the fetish/play parties in town). But he was intrigued by this private party (which was conveniently coming up the following weekend), so we exchanged e-mail addresses and he said he would get in touch about details.

A few minutes later, I was talking to someone else, while Eric was talking to my gay friend Kyle and another woman. And what I suddenly heard was: “I really don’t like pussy” (uttered by Eric himself). So I spun around and was like, “What??” Yep, it’s true. The guy went on to talk about how he doesn’t really care for intercourse…. that he likes women, but really doesn’t like vaginas, that he can’t stand the site/smell/feel of them, that he never has and never would go down on anyone, that he really just…. doesn’t want/need any of it. He claimed he wasn’t gay, but that he just really “didn’t like pussy!” My gay friend Kyle (who, needless to say, couldn’t care less about pussy himself), stared at the guy in disbelief, as he couldn’t imagine how someone, who claimed to be straight, could possibly have such a distaste for pussy…. “Well, do you at least like companionship??” Kyle asked and I couldn’t exactly hear what the guy’s answer was, but I gathered that it was something to the tune of “meh.” He liked “food and travel,” apparently.

I was especially surprised at this, after all his imploring me to take him to a fetish party and do various sexual acts to/with him (though, granted, none of the things he proposed really involved pussy) and obvious hitting on me.

Needless to say, I now thought the guy was even more of a weirdo and was no longer planning to take him to any parties. And he was only a friend of a friend of a friend (or some such) at this BBQ party, so I’d never have to see him again.

He did e-mail me the next day, though, and said “It was nice to meet you, what is your schedule looking like next week?” I never replied. Though part of me wanted to write back and say, “If you don’t want my pussy, what do you care?”

One thought on “Everything But The Pussy

  1. Without knowing more it seems like this guy can fit into 1 or 2 categories. 1, he is the type of sub/bottom who lives the dreaded “n” word. “Need”! I need this, I need you to do that to me. Without any care or concern about the idea of what you might “need” this is the type who wants to be tied up, beaten, whipped, etc. then go on his merry way. No concern on what you get out of it.

    2, he is one of those rare types who has a textbook psychologically diagnosed “fetish” as in, not just kinky or open minded, but literally can’t get off without his fetish being involved. While this is actually quite rare it does happen. Hopefully a person has enough experience to understand this and explain it properly to someone who he is interested in forming a relationship with. Otherwise he is like the typical male stereotype of getting off and going to bed without regard to anyone elses pleasure.

    Now of course its easy to judge from a computer screen, perhaps he just didn’t get to that point of communication/negotiation to bring it up, perhaps he us the type that only discusses what he is willing to do, and will wait till you ask for what you wasn’t before discussing it. Our perhaps he us just simply a greedy asshole who is just out to get his.

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