How to (and not to) Kiss

kiss, kissing,

Photo by Archbishop Tutu

H has complained on occasion about people he’s dated that were bad kissers, so I sent him the link below, suggesting (jokingly) that he forward it along to the exes/dates in question.

He replied with:

Funny how the list didn’t include:

– the closed-lip smush: with your mouth on complete lockdown, smush your face against the other person’s and then just fucking stand there for three full awkward minutes.

– the feeding goat: seize the other person’s bottom lip and chew on it, like a goat chews on vegetation; don’t forget to rapidly move your bottom jaw from left to right. disregard the look of horror on their face when you come up for air.

– the fly-catching lizard: trick the other person into thinking you’re going in for a French kiss, but then only stick your tongue out slightly and pull back rapidly; repeat twenty times in a row, until they don’t know what the hell is going on anymore.

– the sausage vendor: launch your entire tongue into the other person’s mouth and then don’t do anything; let it sit there like a fucking sausage, and see if they figure out what to do with it.

And I added:

– the slobbery dog: lick/slobber all over the other person’s face, instead of focusing on their mouth/lips, so much so that they need to towel off afterwards.

Feel free to add to this list… I’m sure there are other horrors out there…

(A related aside: I went out with a German the other day. He was a good kisser, thankfully. I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a German before).