Did You Know You Had Options?

Open Options, Beth Pelletier, polyamory, short film, open relationships

The Open Options movie poster

When it comes to the kind of romantic relationship you get into, that is? If not, you should! And my friend Beth’s new film does a fine job of introducing you to some of these options and to the people that are living these experiences.

I went to see the premier of her film, Open Options, in February at IndieScreen and it also debuted at the CineKink film festival this year. In a mere 14 minutes, it did a great job of presenting the sorts of open relationship options that are out there and did so in a very casual way: with a few friends sitting on a couch and chatting about their experiences over food and wine. And may I just say….the lighting looked really good! (by my friend Deacon, I hear).

But on to the content… Continue reading

Regarding Those Orgy Reviews…

secret sex party, shutterstock, business insider

Photo from Business Insider/Shutterstock

OK, I know I’m super late on this, as I haven’t had much time to write here lately, but I wanted to discuss those Hacienda party reviews that appeared in a few online publications in Feb. You know the one that first ran in Business Insider and then got picked up by Slate and a bunch of other places, quoting a certain “Mr. Sparks” and talking about a sex party we all know and love and have been going to for years. A few of my friends asked me for my thoughts, and a sort-of rebuttal to it, so I’m finally getting around to it.

My first thought was: “Secret??”" Bwahahahahaha!

The word was featured prominently on all headlines regarding the story and I thought it was funny because there parties are hardly secret. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people that get invited or have been invited over the years. And even if you don’t get invited, if you’re on the various alternative scenes in New York, you’ve likely heard of it through word-of-mouth and Facebook posting to the tune of “OMG, the Hacienda party was SOOO amazing last night!!” (yes, yes, I’ve been one of those posters). But, ya know, if you consider that secret, that’s up to you.

My second thought was: Who is Mr. Sparks? Continue reading

Sex Party Drama

Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise, Sex Party, Stanley Kubrick

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

If you’ve been on the sex party scene for long enough, chances are you’ve gotten involved in some drama, or you’ve created some drama, or you’ve at least witnessed it. On a scene where sex, kink and polyamory are involved; emotions, jealousy, STD scares and relationship negotiations run high and the occasional sociopaths, narcissists and drug addicts are free to run amok, it’s bound to happen. The difference is that, if you stay on the scene and keep going to the same events, you’ll keep seeing the same people and will keep acting out the same dramas or getting involved in new ones. Sometimes you’ll find yourself mediating other people’s dramas. Other times, someone will have to mediate yours.

Everyone tries to get “the asshole,” banned from the party when pretty much everyone has been “that asshole” at one point or another. We’ve all hurt people, dumped people, slept with people we shouldn’t have slept with, abandoned people when they expected something more, been abandoned when we expected something more, etc. The thing about the scene, though, is that a lot of people will keep rolling in the same circles and dramas will keep rearing their ugly heads. And particularly on the sex party scene, not only will you keep seeing the objects of your unaffection, but you might be seeing each other having sex, as previously discussed in my EX Factor post.

But this post isn’t just about ex drama, it’s about all kinds of drama. And here I want to talk about…. what’s necessary and unnecessary when it comes to sex-party drama? And, then again, who’s to judge? (Certainly not I, I’m just putting these questions out there…). Continue reading

Dear FetLife Guys…

flogging, fetish party

Photo by Archbishop Tutu.

So I’ve alluded to some of these things in prior posts, but was apprehensive about writing a full-blown rant on here, as I had my blog linked from my FetLife profile and everyone on there that I had ever dated (or anyone that was still trying to) was presumably reading it. But a) I no longer really care what they think. These things need to be said. And b) I’ve actually quit FetLife a few weeks ago. I realize that writing this after the fact makes it kind of a cop out, but nevertheless, here goes….

I was mostly on FetLife to keep in touch with my kinky friends from the scene and get updates on fetish events around town (or the country), I was never really on it for dating purposes. And in the off-chance that I did go for someone, which was very very rare, it usually didn’t lead to anything good (disclaimer: totally not applicable to anyone I’ve met in real life and then friended on FetLife, obvi…). Continue reading

The Book of Laughter and Remembering

Metropolitan Museum, Sculpture Garden, NYC

The sculpture garden at The Metropolitan Museum, New York

(For Kay, who wanted me to post a review of my cry-fest locales in NYC, as they say you’re not a real New Yorker until you’ve cried in public here).

The other day, I walked by a coffee shop in my neighborhood, in which I had cried my eyes out some time ago before going to a day-time orgy. I had buried my face in his chest, trying to avoid eye contact with strangers, but of course they noticed, and either tried to look at what was happening out of the corner of their eyes or to avert their gazes uncomfortably. I didn’t say many words at the time, or at least not many coherent ones. I didn’t need to. He knew what had happened. Continue reading

Sex Statistics!

sex-market-researchSo I hear some of you have been waiting with bated breath for the results of my Sex Survey. I finally put my number crunchin’ and data analysis pants on the other day, and am happy to deliver some sexy statistics to you.

As a reminder, the idea behind running the survey came from a conversation I had with P, when we both counted our number of sex partners, compared that to the number of people we’d slept with from within the sex party/poly/fetish scene and realized it was a small percentage of the total. The conclusion? Sluts will be sluts whether they’re on such a scene or not. I then decided to poll some other folks on these scenes to see if the same was true for others. And, on average, it appears to be so! Continue reading

Kink, Pizza and Jazz

OK, so I’m kind of a hypocrite. I mean, I’ll talk about no longer going to sex parties and then I’ll go to sex parties. I’ll talk about not really being interested in kink, and then I get involved in BDSM entanglements. I’ll say one thing and do another. I’ll do one thing and then say something completely different. But, who hasn’t contradicted themselves at some point in their lives? The only thing I can say is that I won’t deny being a hypocrite and I’ll at least be honest (here and with people in person) about who I am and what I want at each point in life. Continue reading

The Slut-o-Meter (a fun survey)

sex surveyWhen I was bored at home one night a few weeks ago, I decided to tally the number of sexual partners I’ve had. I’ve done this before, of course, but this time I did something different. I decided to ferret out how many of these partners were people from the poly, sex-positive, fetish or whatever-you-want-to-call-it scene(s). And I was surprised to find out that only about 1/4th of my total number* came from the related scenes.

I then shared these findings with my friend, P, who vaguely estimated her own numbers in her head and said that the same would be true of hers. Conclusion? We were both slutty long before getting on to any of these scenes. Then we decided to conduct a survey among other scene people to see if the same was true of their numbers. Continue reading

Let’s Talk About The Weather

Sun, clouds, weather, cloudy dayShe noticed the gray hair that was starting to appear in his beard as she tapped her fingers on the wooden bar surface. He snuck a glance at her hands. Something familiar, but not. Stared at the ring for a fraction of a second, then turned away and fixed his attention on the bar maid for the next few minutes. Mojitos. The pint-size kind. The drinks are the same. Everything else is different.

-“How have you been?”
-“Good. You know….Busy….Working a lot,” she said. Continue reading